Talon's Perch

Smothered

2010-08-23T21:16:00.000-05:00

I don't want to feel these tears
They well up behind my eyes
But you've been gone for what feels like years
And I keep telling myself lies
From somewhere comes the faint scent of you
And it knocks me over
Honeysuckle, jasmine, roses in bloom
Never moved me this way
Memories overwhelm and drown me
I'm falling, sinking, buried alive
Why did you have to leave
I'm lost in the nowhere
The nothing you left behind
And there is no way home.

Relapse

2010-08-21T18:13:00.002-05:00

Under my skin
My veins are burning
Shards of glass
Ripping
With every beat of my heart
Silently screaming
For I can't draw a breath
My tears catch in my throat
Choking, strangling,
Robbing my will.
I can't live like this,
My soul is sore, torn.
Alone, so alone
Someone please take my hand.
I can't see the way,
My eyes are no use
My spirit bleeds from them.
I'm shaking, I'm shaken
Losing, lost...
Find me... again.

Dissolve

2010-08-19T21:03:00.005-05:00

All your might
Is in vain
No matter the effort
The result the same

You're grasping at threads
Unraveling
Shattering
Life undone
Coming apart at the seams

The majestic tapestry
Haphazardly rent and torn
Fraying away
Into oblivion

Plague
Famine
Poverty
Death
The horsemen ride
Upon you tonight

No mercy no pity
You're just a number
Just a statistic

Throw a pill
Down his throat
Maybe it will let him function
Maybe not

Who really needs to heal?
Stick a band-aid on
A dying soul
And pretend that it might work.
Crush the spirit
But keep the body,
We may need the resources.

It's all undone
It's all undone
Life, my bitter pill
Stick it under my tongue.

Iron

2010-08-16T22:48:00.002-05:00

Standing here
Is where I belong
Where I have been
Where I will always be
I'm holding on
And standing here
Through fire and through storm
Through anger and hate
Through sorrow and despair
Joy and pain ebb and flow
But still I'm standing here
I felt the fear
Survived the sorrow
Still I'm standing here
I've been knocked over
I've fallen down
I've shed my blood and tears
My heart's been broken
My body bruised
My soul beaten for years
But next to you
Is where I belong
And I'm still standing here

Broken Angel

2010-08-15T20:29:00.001-05:00

How loudly does the song of your heart play?
Can you hear it over the raging storms
When the crushing hand of cruelty
Is upon you laid?

Does thunder of your heart beat strong
Even when sorely betrayed?
Can it trumpet its strength
When the dearest becomes your foe?

How loudly does the song of your heart sing
Through the pain
Through the grief?
Does its voice carry
Over the waves of bitterness?
Do its notes ring true
Through confusion and disappointment?

How loudly does the song of your heart play
Though broken, scarred, and bruised?
Does it have the will, the voice
To soar above it all?

How loudly does the song of your heart play?
In joy, in pain, in sickness, in health,
In fatness, in lean times
Through everything,
Is your heart true?

Breaking Down

2010-08-14T19:05:00.000-05:00

Voices in the darkness
Memories of words unsaid
Sights and sounds and smells
This empty lonely bed
I still hear your laughter
When I close my eyes
I still smell your perfume
I still believe the lies
I never thought the worst
I never thought you'd leave
You were my very best friend
You were the one I could believe
And so I lay here waiting
For what I really don't know
'Cause noone's going to show up
'Cause I'm still here alone
And your eyes still haunt me
And your smile breaks my heart
Though they tell me I am ok
They tell me I am fine
But I'm the one who knows better
I'm the one who's broken
I lost myself somehow
My self-made world fell apart
What I thought was real was shattered
Along with my heart
And here I sit in the darkness
On this empty bed
And I still hear your voice
Ringing in my head.

Summer Night

2010-08-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Lip of Cupcake
You ask my eyes
Luscious moon
Don't analyze
Summer's rose
Come kiss me through
Sky of purple
Rain of blue.

Breakup

2010-08-10T23:53:00.001-05:00

When every breath
Is inhaling glass
And every heartbeat
A shotgun blast
Every thought
makes you reel
Your body shakes
from top to heel
The tears that flow
The claws that tear
The invisble fists
The visible wear
The raging hurt
The pain and fear
"Betrayed, Betrayed"
The mind, it screams
"Why, why?"
Coming apart at the seams
"Am I so bent and broken now?"
"Is this all there is somehow?"
The anger spreads
As does the doubt
While the rational side
Tries to find a way out
But noone knows the way you feel
Though everyone knows
The way you feel
The loss so deep
The wound so real
No magic bullet,
No silver pill
No golden ticket,
Or iron will
Will make it vanish
Make sorrow cease
Only time
Only love
Only rest
Until peace.

Lost

2010-08-10T21:06:00.000-05:00

Though I try to win your heart,
I just can't find the way.
Though I wish to tell you so much,
I don't have the words to say.

Though the tides of warmth and love
Sweep my heart along,
I cannot write one letter, one note,
Much less one song.

The darkness,
the coldness of night,
Upon my heart grows long.
And the noise of nothing surrounds us,
The sounds of an imaginary throng.

But it's not the sound of shouts,
or skirmishers into the fray.
It's neither the night nor the darkness,
But the silence that's in our way.

A Dream of You

2010-08-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

Summer's change had turns remembered;
Rain,
Let us romance the gentle dark.
Why sleep always and hurry blessed moon?
Cold sky, throw light to balmy wind;
Blow every candle like breathless song.

Come snow barrage!
Dance, run and fall!

Were spring-time moon ever vanished,
And summer sun always rushing,
Shall nothing change this cold dream?

Empty!
One moment,
How long?
Why care?
Need touch and see.

Open sky hold me yet;
Dark wind tune,
Sound morning's gold hour.

No waste

2010-07-19T11:25:00.000-05:00

times gone by
and time will fly
and time is spent
as we lie
and wonder why
our lives seem
to pass us by.
and days they come
and days they go
we ask ourselves
what do we know
about this and that
and we are left
with what to show?
the witless wander
while they wonder
about things futile
no one can control.
so marching on
to the bitter end
or blessed one
I hope my friend
you find the way
and walk the path
through every day.
don't get lost
or forget my name
I'll remember you
just the same.
when nights grow dark
and bitter cold
and life grows stale
and bread will mold
I'll be there
forever young, forever old
and together we
will walk the wold
we'll track the valleys
cross the seas
and take at last that final road.

Betrayal

2010-07-12T20:33:00.000-05:00

Talons slashing
teeth gnashing
harsh words gashing
through the soul
unneeded I am told
unwanted to behold.
It seemed so right
this friendship forged
from two broken souls
searching for
that better place,
but what always comes
came round again
and here I am
wondering why
I ever believed.
Yet here I would stand
though all the invisible powers fight
against me.
And here I would fall
though all my beloved ones
hate me.
"Hopeless," they deride me
Still I stand.
Still I wait.
Still I love.
Though betrayal be all I receive,
I will not fail.

Hollow

2010-06-21T21:16:00.001-05:00

grinding days;
and lonely nights;
parking lots;
and city lights;
an empty space;
where memories were;
that transcendant place;
for me, with her;
gone again;
and where to now;
a twice-lost haven;
a discarded vow;
the beating heart;
a hollow shell;
paradise lost;
replaced with hell.

Teirnan, mariner of the heavens

2010-04-27T20:42:00.001-05:00

Teirnan, mariner of the heavens
Shining brightly, navigates
The expanse so dark
Among stars so bright
Celestial bodies
Of glorious light
Colours shimmering through the gloom
Twinkling, quivering at his glance
Says he, "I cross the skies.
I ride the storm
The clouds are my sails
The winds are my seas
The stars are my brethren
The moon is my love
And through the ages
I will chase her."
Lightning abides
In his right hand
And his voice pours forth thunder
The light of life - the gem of the stars
Adorns his brow
Lighting his trackless path
His endless journey through ageless night

Fiddling around with lines for a new poem...

2010-04-26T20:24:00.000-05:00

I ride the skies, the clouds are my sails
I ride the storm, the winds are my seas
The lightning is at my right hand
And in my left is thunder
The stars are my brethren, the moon is my love

Anyhow, just working on something... Was looking at the clouds tonight and felt moved...

The Conversation - Part 3

2009-08-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

"You knew it would be this way." Jim was trying his best to stay calm. His voice always started to shake when he got upset. The shakeyness had started.

"I never wanted this!" Amy nearly screamed at him. The tears had started to stream from the corners of her eyes. The little makeup she wore had run down to her chin.

Jim was miserable. "You can't have it both ways Amy," he replied quietly. "You can't just come running back to me every time someone else hurts you." He breathed deeply as he saw the tears glisten on Amy's face. The sheen of those tears on her soft skin turned him inside out. "I told you... I told you I couldn't be this for you anymore. Why don't you understand? Why are you always this way? I was always here for you, always here when you needed someone. But you could only be here for me when it was convenient. When something better came along you were gone, chasing whatever it was. I told you..." He was finding it hard to breathe. "I can't be what you want me to be."

Amy had started to shake. 'Why can't you?! You said you were my friend! You said you would always be my friend! Why are you doing this to me?!" She screamed at Jim. The fight with her boyfriend, the breakup, and the bad day at work had sent her over the edge. She had driven blindly to Jim's house - after all, Jim would make it all better. He always made it all better.

"I am your friend, but you know I can't deal with this anymore. You know how I feel... how I have felt for so long. You can't expect me to stand here and take this anymore." His voice had grown loud and ragged. He hated to see her cry. Her tears, her pain, had torn a hole in his heart. He wanted to hold her, caress her hair, and tell her everything was going to be alright. Why not? It would feel good, it would stop her tears. But he couldn't. He couldn't keep doing that to himself, or to her either. She needed to stand without him - she would just keep trying to lean on him if he kept enabling her. He couldn't live life has her yo-yo. "Stop crying and go home Amy." His tone was rougher than he had intended, but he was past the point of being able to control it any longer. "Go home," he repeated. "Take a hot bath, eat some ice-cream, keep a box of tissues handy and you'll be fine in a week." He shut the door.

He could still hear her crying and sniffling through the door. After what seemed like forever, he heard her car start and the crunching of the gravel under its tires as she pulled out of the dirveway and onto the road. He heard the engine whine as she drove away.

The waves of pain came crashing over him. His tears flowed freely as the sobs wracked his body. It was the right thing to do wasn't it? Wasn't this the way to keep from being hurt by her again? Wasn't this the way to help them both grow up? The questions pounded at him relentlessly. If this was the right way, why did it hurt so much?

Why Didn't you Just Tell me First?

2009-07-22T03:49:00.001-05:00

Why couldn't you have told me first;
Instead of telling me you loved me all those times;
When you knew you didn't?
You didn't even say, "I'm sorry."
You shattered this little heart of mine;
And scattered the pieces to the the winds.
Why didn't you just tell me first?

J. P. Williams - July 22, 2009

No such thing as happy endings...

2008-08-20T10:15:00.001-05:00

You know how the story goes. Prince A meets Princess B and they fall in love. Soon afterward, some hideous beast interrupts their budding romance and marriage timeline by appearing and kidnapping Princess B. Prince A swoops in and rescues her, felling said beast with fair words and sharp sword, or magical battle hammer, or whatever. Prince A and Princess B shorten their courtship, realizing that another delay could really crimp their style, and go off to live happily ever after.

But this is real life, not a fairy tale. The boys at Disney don’t tell you about the fact that Prince A has a castle with a leaky roof and bad plumbing. They haven’t told you that Princess B has an abandonment complex and that Prince A has intimacy issues. No-one even wants to talk about Princess B’s mom – or as the Prince sometimes says “The Mother-In-Law” or “Your Mom.” To be fair, they won’t talk about the Prince’s dad and his foibles either. No, the fairy-tale tellers won’t tell you about the servants revolting because their pay was too low, the Prince falling off his horse and breaking an arm, or the Princess falling ill and having to stay in bed for days. In fact, though the Prince and Princess are actually going through a rough spot, and the strain it has put on their rushed marriage is rather great, the fairy tale authors are quite mum now. After all, they have told you already, “They lived happily ever after. The End.”

There’s no such thing as the fairy tale ending. Life, whether it be that of the Prince and his Princess, or it be the solitary peasant, is a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle. Don’t get me wrong, the work can be pleasant as well as vexing, but the fairy tale ending doesn’t let you know anything. Take a look at couples who have been together a long time. Talk to them a bit and see how much pain and trouble they went through. You will also notice with so many of them how little they count the troubles, and how much they value the love and companionship they have. The struggles were but a labor of that love. They don’t live in the fairy tale, but they make their own happy ending daily with the work they do for one another.

The labor only makes the final reward that much sweeter.

The Conversation, Part 2

2008-05-10T13:56:00.001-05:00

This is my new addition to the previous post. I think I shall cross post this over on my pleonast blog as well. Enjoy!

--------------------------------------

“My life-style determines my death-style! My life-style determines my death-style!” Jim loved the stereo in his car – it was quite fun to drive with the windows down and the stereo loud. It was so loud he barely heard his phone start singing, “Maybe I’m crazy, maybe you’re crazy…” He pressed the “pause” button on the stereo.

“Talk to me.”

“Hahahaha, hey Jim.”

“Hey Emily, how are the kids?”

“They’re doing fine, Mike and I are taking them to Chuck-E-Cheese tonight? What are you up to?”

“That depends on who wants me around.” Jim laughed. “You never know where I might be – the wind blows so many different directions after all.”

“Come keep us company then, you know how Ben loves to play with his godfather. We’re going to celebrate Jenny’s birthday tonight since we are going to be in Atlanta next week.”

“Wow, she’s going to be, what, three?”

“Yeah, amazing how they grow up so fast.” Emily paused. “So, Jim… what’s going on?”

“Oh whatever do you mean?” Jim feigned innocence as well as anyone.

“Uh-huh, spill it.” Emily chided.

“I wondered how long it would take you to get around to asking. What precisely do you want to know?”

“You weren’t sitting together hun - that usually means something big.”

Jim sighed, “O.k. I’ll give you the shortened version – I don’t feel like reliving the whole conversation. I finally told Amy I didn’t want to be her best girlfriend anymore.”

“Huh?”

“You know, being the close friend that hears everything, goes everywhere, blah, blah, blah. It’s been driving me crazy – I mean, seriously. You know how I feel about her, have felt about her. I have had enough – enough going crazy, enough worrying, enough trying to be something I am not. I’m tired.”

“Are you happy?”

“Do I sound happy?” Jim quietly answered. “I don’t have much of a choice though – stay “friends” which annoys me to no end and leaves me both inside and outside at the same time, or choose to put distance between us which will at least give me room to breathe. Besides, she really needs some girl-friends. As if it weren’t emasculating enough…”

Emily laughed. “You always have the most complicated relationships and the funniest ways of describing them.

“I wouldn’t be very interesting if I didn’t know how to speak.” Jim chuckled. “I’ll see you tonight dear – what time, six as usual?”

“Yeah, see you tonight.” Emily hung up, shaking her head. That boy has the worst luck. No, that man - tease as she might, she was only six months older. He just always seemed younger than that. There had to be something she could do.

Jim smiled. Emily had always been like an older sister to him. She was more like a best friend than anyone else. He was only slightly jealous when she had married his roommate, but his love for both of them long outstripped any other feelings. “It will be nice to play with the kids again. I just hope Em knows to leave well enough alone this time.”

The Conversation, part 1

2008-05-07T10:12:00.000-05:00

This is actually a repost from my pleonast blog

from August of 2007. Enjoy!

-----------------------------------------

Jim looked down at his cell phone, he had forgotten to take it off the silent setting and its buzzing had reminded him that it was in his pocket. It was Amy calling. A wry smile crossed his lips - this could be unpleasant.

"Hey."

"Hey." he answered trying to not betray the tension that had been building in him.

"So what are you doing Friday J?" Her voice was perky. Why was she always so perky at the wrong time?

"Ummm, nothing, probably just hanging at my place, watching some T.V., playing on my computer." This was going to be hard.

"Sounds like a plan, but how about a better one?" She was a sweet girl, really, but didn't she know she was killing him? "That new Matt Johnson movie is out, and since you've been taking me out alot recently, I thought I'd repay you the favor."

"No."

The silence was deafening.

"Ok." Her voice sounded suddenly strained. "Is there something you want to do - get dinner, hang out?"

"No." He had heard it got easier saying no after the first time. It wasn't.

"What's wrong?" Amy's voice was now showing definite concern with a shade of upset.

"This whole thing is wrong..."

"But!"

"Hold on Amy, just listen for a sec, don't get upset on me, just listen." Jim was beginning to feel sick. "How long have we been friends Amy? How long have I been here for you like this? You keep asking me to act like I never felt anything for you, like we never had anything. I watch you date these guys, these... How can you date guys like them? Then you expect me to just be here whenever and act like everything is great. I can't do this anymore."

"But Jim..."

"No, I can't do this any more. I'm sick of playing the big brother, sick of being the best friend." He paused and looked disgusted for a moment. "I'm not saying that it isn't a worthy thing, a good thing to be friends, I just can't be this for you. I've had to bury all these feelings for so long - it's tearing me apart from the inside."

She was crying. Jim wanted to shoot himself - no that wouldn't be painful enough. He never could stand to hear a woman cry, and hearing Amy, who had been so dear to him for so long was tortuous. And he had made her cry.

"Amy... I can't... Please stop crying. I can't describe to you what you have meant to me or how much I care for you. The one time I tried, you nearly ran to get away from me. But you can't care for me the way I do for you, and I can't keep being this close to you - it's killing me. Please, just please, let me go."

Feeling a bit lost...

2008-05-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

...he picked up his pen again. It had all been so much easier when he had been just thinking it through.

Dearest Jennifer,

Was that an appropriate way to start? Was there an appropriate way to start.

We have known each other for so long. I've been your friend, your confidant, your advisor, your jester - I've been whatever you needed in the situation. I've been so close to you and yet kept at arms length. To say I have admired you from afar is a cliche that is neither true nor false. I have loved you from the moment we met...

"No wait, scratch that line... grr... another piece of paper, maybe I should write this in pencil." His thoughts seemed to tumble over one another neither falling in place nicely nor accentuating one another. "Why is this so difficult?!"

But it wasn't that difficult. At least it wasn't as difficult as it should be, and he knew it. In person was another story. There was no way he could form the words - his tongue and lips, so loquacious when shaping the words of any trivial matter seemed paralyzed when faced with the mere idea of telling her how he felt.

"A pencil indeed." he muttered to himself.

Pencils have erasers after all, and this was going to require a bit of on-the-fly editing.

Scribble-scribble-scribble-snap!

"Broken lead." A wry smile crossed his face and he grabbed a mechanical pencil from the little jar on his desk. "Hah! Problem solved." Was it really?

A few lines later, "Viola!" He held up the page in mock-victory and shook it. Reading it over, he grimaced a couple times at particularly clumsy wordings. "It will have to do though."

He reached over to a shoebox, dusty and weathered, sitting under his desk and opened the top. One last loving look at the letter he had written - the slight twinge he felt no longer that deep pang that moves and motivates. "Into the box you go." He smiled as he said it.

There they were, the loves of his life, gathering dust with the years.

Starting new, all over again

2008-05-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

The frustrating part about starting something is not knowing how to start, what to include when starting, or whom to let know that I've started. I have so many things to write and to say and yet so few at the same time. Should I post fiction, non-fiction, humor, poetry, prose, or what? Maybe I should do them all. Maybe I should make this my place for my fiction and make another blog for my political commentary. Sounds like a bit too much effort to me. Besides, this is my first blogger post and I am rather unfamiliar with its interface yet. I already have a personal blog elsewhere... I suppose I shall make this my creative place and lump all my writings together here - or at least all the writing that I don't think anyone will bother to plagiarize.